I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
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