i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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