Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
