i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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