Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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