Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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