I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Sorry my hands just texted you
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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