Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
