Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
that is very illegal...i love you.
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