Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
