so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
This is the high leading the old right now
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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