you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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