I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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