why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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