She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
