this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
