I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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