i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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