Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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