so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
