Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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