He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
