I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
