life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
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We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
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The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
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