i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
