Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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