she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
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