god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
