the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Randomize
