I got her a Nickelback box set.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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