When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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