I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Be still, my beating vagina.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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