Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
