Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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