I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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