the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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