I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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