woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
