omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
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Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
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I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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