Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Randomize
