I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
