I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
