I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
