I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I need to align my fucking chakras
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
