never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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