my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
