just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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