Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
