Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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