the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Is that strawberry winking at me??
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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