Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
