The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
you traded sex for a burrito?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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