i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
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I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
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She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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