It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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