Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
