just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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