Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
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