She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
