You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
